CBS HEALTH WATCH  by Medscape      Feb 2000

 

Love Online Can Offer Intimacy Before It's Time
Jennie Phipps, Medical Writer

In an age when people spend more time in front of a computer than they do face to face, it isn't surprising that falling in love on the Internet has gained respectability. Devising an official count of online relationships is difficult, but the number is surely enormous. Match.com, the largest of the online personals services, claims 2.5 million members over age 18. To put that in perspective, the US Census reports there are more than 90 million singles over the age of 15.

Intimate Details, Idealized Impressions

Joseph B. Walther, associate professor of communications at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, and editor of the Journal of Online Behavior, says that anyone looking for love in online places should consider that online relationships tend to get very intense very quickly. This happens for two reasons. First, people edit out negatives and only reveal the good parts of themselves. In face-to-face conversation, people notice hesitations, observe discomfort, and make note of troublesome behavior. "What's created online isn't necessarily a false impression, but it's certainly an idealized one," Walther says. Another factor in online relationships is that people tend to share more about themselves than they would face to face. One of the graduate students in Walther's classes, Lisa Tidwell, studied self-disclosure, comparing it online and off. She learned that the same sorts of confidences that people routinely offered near strangers over the Internet were considered abnormal when they were made offline between people who scarcely knew each other. For instance, if a man in the next seat on the bus were to start to share intimate details about his now-defunct marriage, many people would be inclined to change seats. But the same sort of sharing online is almost expected. Walther says it's because people see their own words reflected back, feel them to be intimate, and conclude that there is a relationship--even before there is. "When people share personal details, they think they're very fond of each other," Walther says. "That's how people get sucked in, because all this intimate self-disclose feels so good."

Lying Online Happens All The Time

Radio psychologist Dr. Judy Kuriansky has moderated hundreds of relationship chats for America Online and others. The upside of Internet romance, she says, is that it's easy to connect with a tremendous pool of people. The downside is that the potential for deception is huge. "Men lie--and women lie, too," says Dr. Judy (the name by which she's known). Lying is universal, agrees Linda Alexander, a California attorney who runs a background checking service on the Internet, WhoIsHe.com. About 60% of the time the people who she checks out have deceived their online lovers. "Women lie about age. Men lie about marital status and what their living situation is like," she says. What all these factors add up to is a fantasy world that can work for or against someone seeking a long-term relationship--LTR in online parlance. "I believe in telling the truth," says Dr. Judy. No one wants to be lied to, and careful wording, she says, can be a boon. "People who have some particular aspect of their physical self that isn't considered attractive on the open market can save that until someone gets to know them first and may find that characteristic less objectionable." In other words, spilling your guts during the first few conversations is unnecessary.
Douglas Raybeck, professor of anthropology at Hamilton College in upstate New York, studied the wording of personals ads--both on paper and online for 18 months. He concluded--not surprisingly--that men seek beauty and youth and women seek financial security and responsibility. Both genders are aware of the preferences and interests of the opposite sex and the information they include in ads about themselves reflects that knowledge.
Women are far more likely than men to describe their body type, with terms like "attractive," "curvaceous," and "slim." No women stated that they were overweight, but "full-figured" was a popular description. Men wrote about their "honesty" and "financial success." They called themselves "successful," "athletic," honest," "caring," and "humorous." They were more likely to mention their height than their weight. Raybeck recommends that seekers of relationships on the Internet choose their words carefully, including dominant characteristics. For instance, a woman who sees herself as "strong willed and smart," should put that in the initial ad. "Tell people who you are in as nice a way as possible. To do anything else is wasting their time and yours," Raybeck says.

 

The upside of Internet romance is that it's easy to connect with a tremendous pool of people. The downside is that the potential for deception is huge.




 

Best Foot Forward: Spellcheck

Dr. Judy adds that success in online matchmaking is enhanced by the ability to write grammatically and spell the words right. A good spelling and grammar checker can help, because even people who know better can appear stupid. "Type A personalities who are smart but work too quickly can have just as hard a time with this aspect as people without good verbal skills," Dr. Judy says, "because they don't take the time to check their messages, and that can be disastrous." "Slow down" is probably the best advice overall for anyone contemplating an online tryst. Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of The Great Sex Weekend, A 48-Hour Guide for Bold, Busy or Bored Lovers (Putnam), tells anyone seeking online love to start by looking for a friend. She advises steering away from online matchmaking sites, even though it may initially appear more efficient, and going instead to a discussion list, newsgroup, or chat that focuses on an area of interest--a birdwatching site or a single parents site, for instance. Striking up a conversation there gives people something to talk about besides their search for romance. From there, she suggests moving cautiously through the steps--starting with lots of time sharing emails and online chats to phone conversations to a short meeting over coffee to more conventional dating and getting to know friends and family. "Don't rush getting to know the world that they live in. Get to know the things you need to know about them as a person," she advises. That advice is echoed by Joanne Younkin, a 37-year-old widow from suburban Boston who is about to marry Phil Stanway, a 39-year-old software writer from a neighboring suburb. After weeks of trading emails through an online dating service, Stanway told Younkin he was going to help out a friend who owned a restaurant that always was very busy on St. Patrick's Day. Younkin decided to sneak over and catch a glimpse. When she asked his whereabouts, they pointed her toward the kitchen. Stanway was sitting in the back, peeling potatoes. When she introduced herself, he was so nervous, he couldn't talk. But thanks to weeks of written conversation, they got past his initial shyness and love bloomed. Less than a year later, Stanway sent Younkin an email. "Will you marry me?" And Younkin sent one back: "Yes."

Pursue Love Very Cautiously

Online romance leads millions of people to romantic relationships with people who are upstanding and honest. But there's a percentage that encounter danger and emotional destruction.

In March 1999, Julie Yasa flew to Detroit from Paris to meet a man she'd been talking to online for nearly a year and thought she loved. According to an Associated Press report, one night into the tryst, he turned her out into the cold winter with only a sheet wrapped around her. Authorities found her body in the weeds the next morning with a suicide note nearby.

Linda Alexander, a California attorney who offers background checks from a Website called WhoisHe.Com/WhoisShe.Com, gives this advice to anyone who is trying to find love online.

·         Always ask for a full name, address, and telephone number before agreeing to go out with someone you have never met.

·         Never go out with someone who will only give you a pager or work number. (There may be a spouse in the house.)

·         When someone gives you a phone number, find a reason to call UNEXPECTEDLY. (Find out if she is married or living with someone.)

·         Try to find out the person's date of birth. You can obtain this information by first asking the person's age and birth sign, and then the actual date. This is important information if you want a personal profile.

·         Always tell someone where you are going with your date.

·         Leave the full name and any telephone numbers of your date with someone.

·         Meet in a public place that you are familiar with on your first date.

·         Drive your own car and do not invite them back to your house after the first date.

 




Feb.2000
© 2000 by Medscape Inc. All rights reserved.

Jennie L. Phipps is a freelance medical writer.